10 Weird Things That Can Mess Up Your Sex Life

Not Having a Sense of Smell
The issue is that smell plays a huge role in how human beings communicate emotions to each other, with feelings like “nervousness” and “fear” being regularly transmitted through odors before they’re communicated with words or body language. Losing the ability to smell when your partner is turned on or even if they’re sexually compatible with you deprives men and women of the confidence they need. Of course, I’m not saying that you should go around sniffing people in bars or asking them to smell you before you try to bring them home, but… actually? Yes, that’s what I’m saying, because that sounds hilarious.  So go do that now.

Using An Android Phone
There’s no obvious reason, but since Android users are more likely to put out on the first date we’re forced to assume it’s because they’re just desperate. I could make the obvious joke about how iPhone users aren’t just getting f*cked by Apple (like Wired did) or I can talk about how Android users are probably getting better at swiping their own screen — but I won’t, because that would be crass. And I’m never crass. Moving on.

Not Shaving
Basically it’s proof of the idea that if you don’t take care of yourself and never try to get laid, you won’t. So if you’re feeling bad about your lack of action, a shower might be a good place to start.

You Have High Testosterone
Going it solo, if you will. Saluting the man in the canoe. Typing with two fingers. Sending yourself some morse code. Celebrating independence with a private, personal fireworks display.

You know. Masturbating.

Taking Oral Contraception
Anecdotal evidence aside (You’re sure to meet someone who can carefully explain how because this isn’t true for them, it must not be true for anyone.) science says that the pill makes you not wanna have sex. IUDs and condoms are fine, though, so go have whatever kind of fun you feel like.

Not Being Spiritual Enough
Having a well developed sense of spirituality not only leads to more frequent and satisfying sex, but it may also be the most fascinating difference between men and women.

Not Having Sex
Well, damn. It turns out that not having sex is a pretty big determinator in keeping you from having sex. A recent study found that not having sex creates the kind of behavior that continually leads to less and less sex.

Being Too Smart (Or Too Dumb)
“Intelligence is negatively associated with sex frequency.” The smarter you are, the less likely you are to get laid.

Watching Porn
Porn will slide its spindly needles of addiction right down your eyeballs, curl them inside your brain, and rip all the parts out that make sex work. It turns out that cigars are more like penises than Freud ever imagined — in that when you burn one down, you burn the other down as well. You light one up, and the other gets cooled off.

You can suck on one now, but there’ll be nothing to suck on later. Smoking makes your boner not work.

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